Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if only i could text you this smell
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
