i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So squirting runs in the family.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
