the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
