I met the friendliest cop last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
