I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
