There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
