Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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