the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Less talking, more tequila
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
