did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
