home. puking in laundry basket.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
