i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
