maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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