Your face is a jimmy john
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she pinky promised me she was 18
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
