The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
