Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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