Don't you send me to vm
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
