I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i barfeds in our rink
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
