She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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