His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
