if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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