I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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