i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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