The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
