I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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