If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
