"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
