there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
