I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
