the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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