I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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