he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
