My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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