I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
