he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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