better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
