I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
