I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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