Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
