You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
