Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
don't judge my taste in strippers
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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