LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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