I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
