Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
