I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
