I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
