Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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