nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
