I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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