I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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