Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
