I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
